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Another month went by much the same as the last had, and it all seemed to be a blur. We were heading into September already, and it would soon be a year since Orlando and I had spent our first two weeks together. It seemed hard to believe that so little time had passed, and yet it felt like it had been so long.

I didn’t hear from Orlando at all, not that I’d expected to. I forced myself to let him go, to stop obsessing about him, to get on with my life. I slept with his sweater under my pillow every night, and some nights I cried myself to sleep. The pain never seemed to change, it was always the same raw feeling that made me curl in on myself and squeeze my eyes closed against it.

A few days before what would have been our first anniversary, I ended up going out for dinner with Adam, Jeremy, and Lisa. We hadn’t gone out in awhile, since I hadn’t really felt like it, so it was nice to be out in the world again. Between the apartment and the theatre, I didn’t see much else. It was a Monday night, so we didn’t have a show to do, so we went to a trendy little Italian restaurant a few blocks from Adam’s apartment.

“This is nice,” Lisa commented after we’d been seated in a quiet little booth and our wine orders taken. “We never go out anymore.”

“We do work for a living, you know,” Adam reminded her with a grin. “And we work during prime dining hours.”

Lisa smiled. “I guess,” she said, flipping open the menu. “Everything looks so good.”

We chatted quietly while we decided what we wanted. When the waitress came over, we gave her our orders, and she hurried away to the kitchen. The silence that followed wasn’t exactly comfortable.

“Now, don’t everybody all talk at once,” Lisa joked, laying her napkin in her lap. Her soft pink sundress with the layer of chiffon over the skirt and spaghetti straps looked gorgeous against her tanned skin and blonde curls.

Jeremy chuckled and patted her knee. “What would you like to talk about, my dear?” he said, leaning over to nuzzle her neck. She turned her head and he kissed her.

I shifted uncomfortably, and Adam and I exchanged a glance. I was happy for Lisa, I really was, but I didn’t need to see that when I was so down about losing Orlando.

“So, it looks like I’m heading to London after all,” Adam said, trying to distract me from Lisa and Jeremy, who were now practically making out. “I go in January.”

“I figured you would,” I said, nodding. I took a sip of my wine. “They need a good Radames. The one they have isn’t doing the show justice, from what I’ve read.”

“Have you decided what you’re going to do when your contract is up?” he asked.

I nodded. “I think I’m going to take a break and go home for a while,” I said. “This whole thing with Orlando has me really wrung out, so I just want to get away from the city and the photographers. Plus, it’ll be nice to have some time to myself, to be with my family and my old friends.”

“That’s probably for the best,” Adam agreed. His leg brushed against mine under the table and I blushed.

“I think it is,” I replied, taking another, bigger, sip of wine. The tension between us was always right there, just under the surface, and the last thing I needed was to acknowledge it.

“You know, eventually we’re going to have to get passed this awkwardness,” Adam whispered, leaning close to me.

“I know,” I said. “I just don’t think I can handle another mess right now, you know?”

He chuckled. “I remember how we handled the last ‘mess’ you were in with Orlando,” he teased, and I felt my face flush again. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it, especially when he was holding me and kissing me on stage every night. I craved the normal feelings I had when I was with him, just like I did the last time Orlando and I had broken up, but I knew the trouble that had gotten me into. I glanced at Adam out of the corner of my eye, and figured, what the hell, I’d play along just this once.

“Oh, so do I,” I said, winking at him. I let the back of my hand brush against his leg. “Very vividly, in fact.” I needed to feel sexy, to feel loved, to feel wanted again. Orlando’s betrayal had shaken my confidence in myself, and as much as I’d told myself I didn’t care, I needed to be reassured. I knew Adam could do just that for me. He’d done it once, he could do it again.

Adam swallowed hard and took a sip of his wine. Lisa and Jeremy were still oblivious to us across the table, so he leaned in closer. “Do you mean that, Charlie?” he whispered, his hand sliding gently up my thigh. He grazed the bare skin at the top of my knee, where my skirt ended, and I shivered.

“I do, yes,” I said, keeping my voice low. I moved my hand from the outside of his leg to his inner thigh, near his knee, and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“This could get really complicated,” he said, turning more toward me in the small booth, his fingers grazing my stomach, under my blouse. “I’m not sure we should do this.”

“I am,” I whispered, leaning over to lightly nip his earlobe. A fire was burning low in my belly, and it was making me squirm.

“But look what happened last time,” he said, and I could tell he was fighting to keep control of himself as his hand began to move around my side, to my back, and toyed with the waistband of my skirt. “I don’t want to go through that again.”

I looked up into his eyes, and gave him a gentle smile. “Then let’s run with it this time,” I said, on impulse. “You’ve wanted to be with me for months now. Here’s your chance.”

“What about Orlando?” he asked, his eyes burning into mine. “I don’t want to be the rebound guy here, Charlie. That’s not right.”

“Orlando’s gone, Adam,” I said, surprised at how much it hurt to say the words. They were true, though, I knew it. “He’s not coming back.”

“Are you sure?”

I sighed and moved back slightly. “Do you want to be with me or not?” I asked, frustrated. “It’s a simple question.”

“You know I do,” he said quietly, pulling me closer again. “But I need to know this isn’t just sex this time. I don’t want to be a replacement.”

I didn’t say anything for a minute, asking myself if that’s what I was doing. There was no doubt that I’d been torn between the two men before, and that I’d always chosen Orlando, but now that Orlando was no longer part of my life, how did I feel?

“Fair enough,” I decided finally, and moved away. I pushed his hands away from me. “Then maybe this isn’t a good idea.” I felt rejected, even though I knew where he was coming from. I loved him, yes, but it had developed into a friendship love more so than a romantic love, even though the sexual part of it was still very much there. But a one-night stand wouldn’t be possible this time, not after everything we’d been through.

I was saved the embarrassment of having to make further conversation by the waitress bringing our food. Lisa and Jeremy untangled themselves from each other so we could eat. We made small talk, but it felt very strained between Adam and me. I could still feel his fingers on my skin, and I really wanted them to be there again, but he refused to even look at me, let alone touch me.

“So I figure, if Nick has a problem with me being so tanned, he can just suck it up,” Lisa was saying as she moved her Chicken Parmesan around on her plate. She looked up at me and shrugged, but before she could say anything else, her eyes went wide, and she darted a glance at Jeremy. He, too, seemed to have stiffened.

“What’s going on?” Adam asked, noticing the change in them. Lisa was watching something behind us, and she had a worried look on her face.

“Charlie, maybe we should go to the Ladies’ room,” she said, setting her napkin on the table. “Now.” She stood up.

I stood as well and made to follow her, figuring she’d explain her weirdness when we got there, but just as we were winding our way through the tables toward the back of the restaurant, I heard a familiar laugh. I stopped dead and turned around. Orlando was sitting at a table for two with a dark-haired woman, and the two were laughing as the waiter brought over a bottle of what looked like champagne.

“I’m sorry, honey,” Lisa said, putting her arm around my back and steering me toward the bathroom. “I was hoping we could make it here and back without you seeing them.”

I struggled to regain my composure, taking deep breaths in and out, leaning against the black marble countertop beside one of the sinks. “He’s dating already?” I managed around the lump in my throat. I chose to ignore the foreplay that had been going on between Adam and me at the table a few minutes before. “But it’s so soon.”

“Maybe it’s a business dinner,” Lisa suggested. “She could be a future co-star or a producer or something. We don’t know it’s a date.”

“Orlando’s wearing a suit and tie,” I said, staring at my own devastated-looking reflection in the mirror. “If this were a business dinner, he wouldn’t be wearing a tie, and his suit jacket would be on the back of the chair by now. And he’d be drinking tea or soda instead of alcohol. I’m pretty sure he’s on a date.”

Lisa didn’t say anything as the tears started, against my will. I grabbed some paper towels and tried to wipe them without smudging my make-up, but I couldn’t avoid the redness or the puffiness that was starting.

“I’m going to look like a troll when I go back out, if I don’t stop this shit,” I said, more to myself than to her, wetting the paper towel with cold water and dabbing at the puffy spots under my eyes. I did the best I could to make myself presentable, but anyone who knew me as well as Orlando did would know I’d been crying. I suddenly hated how well we knew each other.

“Well, we can’t hide in here forever,” Lisa said after a few minutes. “Are you ready to go back?”

I squared my shoulders, fluffed my hair a bit, and nodded. “Can’t postpone the inevitable, I suppose,” I said as I grabbed my purse off the counter and we headed back to the table.

Orlando saw me as soon as I opened the bathroom door. I hoped the dim lighting in the restaurant would hide the tell-tale signs of tears that were still left on my face, despite my best efforts. His eyes followed me back to the table, and he looked disappointed when he saw who we were sitting with. He forced a smile to his face and turned his attention back to his companion.

“Are you okay?” Adam asked as we slid back into the booth. “Charlie, you’ve been crying.”

“Orlando’s here, and he’s on a date,” Lisa said, taking my hand across the table. She gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Do you want to leave?” Jeremy asked me, a look of concern on his face. “We can just get the check and go.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I have to learn to co-exist with him and whoever he might be dating, right? We’re going to stay and finish our dinners, and pretend he’s not even here.”

“Are you sure?” Lisa said, eyeing me carefully.

“Absolutely,” I said, plastering a fake smile on my face. “So what were you saying about Nick and your tan?”

I tried to listen to the rest of the conversation, I really did, but all I could think about was Orlando and the woman he was dining with. Every once in awhile they’d laugh, and it felt like something was stabbing right through my chest, but I tried to ignore it. We were leading separate lives now, and this new woman was part of his.

When we’d finished eating and the check had been paid, we stood up to leave. My legs trembled with every step I took toward the door, knowing we’d have to pass Orlando’s table. I didn’t want to know who the woman was, but I knew we’d find out.

“Give me your hand,” Adam whispered as we got closer to Orlando. When I didn’t respond, he took my hand in his and gave it a squeeze, then moved closer so our arms were brushing as we walked. I knew what he was trying to do, and I was grateful, but I wasn’t really sure it would help. I didn’t let go of his hand, though. It was comforting, and I could use all the help I could get.

“Hello, Charlie,” Orlando’s silky voice drifted to my ears as we came to within a couple feet of his table. “How are you?”

I plastered that fake smile on my face again. “Fine, thanks,” I replied. “How are you?” I stopped beside the table, Adam still holding my hand.

“Fine,” Orlando replied, his eyes darting quickly to my hand clasped in Adam’s. “Did you enjoy your meal?”

“Yes, it was wonderful,” I said, wondering if I was the only one who thought this conversation sounded forced. “I’m sure yours will be, too.”

“We should really go, baby,” Adam said, leaning close to my ear. He slipped his arm around my waist, and at the hurt I saw flash across Orlando’s face, I wanted to pull away, but I didn’t.

“Yes, don’t let me hold you up,” Orlando said, and I could tell he was forcing himself to stay calm. His date was watching us, but I hadn’t really looked at her yet. I just didn’t want to.

“Well, it was nice seeing you again,” I said, forcing that smile again. “Enjoy your evening.”

We left the restaurant.

Just as we were on the street, looking for a taxi in front of the restaurant, Orlando came rushing out of the doors.

“Charlie, can we talk for a minute?” he said, coming right over to me. Adam had let go of me as soon as we were out of Orlando’s view, so I was alone. I saw him watching us as Orlando led me further down the street, away from my friends.

“What’s up?” I said, trying to sound light and cheerful. Inside, my heart was beating wildly and my stomach was knotting so hard I thought I was going to be sick.

“That wasn’t what you thought it was,” Orlando said, his hands in his pants pockets.

“What did I think what was?”

“She’s just a friend,” he said quietly. “I’m only in town for a couple of days, promoting Haven, and we’re having dinner because we haven’t seen each other in awhile.”

“Orlando, you don’t have to explain things like this to me, remember?” I said, staring at a spot just over his left shoulder. “We’re not together, it’s none of my business.”

“I know,” he said, sighing. “But the idea that you think I’m dating already just doesn’t sit right with me. It’s too soon for that.”

I nodded. “Yes, you’re right,” I agreed. “It’s definitely too soon.”

“What about Adam?” he asked, his eyes searching my face in the moonlight.

“Just a friend,” I replied quickly. “Same as always. He just didn’t want me to feel lonely when we saw you with that girl.”

“He wanted me to think you were with him,” Orlando corrected me gently.

I sighed and nodded again. “But I’m not with him. I promise.”

“Do you know what Thursday is?” he asked abruptly.

I looked up at him. “How could I not?”

“We didn’t even make it a year, Charlie,” he said, reaching out to take my hand in his.

“Don’t do this here, okay?” I said, but I left my hand clutched in his. I just felt like I needed to touch him, to be near him.

“Can we go for coffee?”

“What about your friend?” I asked, looking back toward the restaurant. “Won’t she mind?”

“I’m sure she’ll understand,” he said. “She’s been listening to me whine about you all night.” A shy grin crept over his face.

“Okay, coffee,” I agreed, though something inside my head told me I’d be kicking myself for that decision later. “Pick me up at my place in an hour. I just need to change.”

“Thanks, Charlie,” he said, leaning over to kiss my cheek. “I’ll be there.”

I sighed as he went back into the restaurant and I went back to my friends. How was I ever going to explain this to them?

“Everything okay?” Lisa asked as we got into the taxi they’d managed to get. I slid in beside her and nodded.

“I’m just meeting him for coffee in an hour,” I said, putting on my seatbelt. I stared straight ahead, not wanting to see the expression on her face.

“Why?” Apparently it wasn’t her I needed to worry about. Adam was giving me a strange look as he turned to stare at me from the front seat.

“We need to talk things out,” I said, looking down at my hands. I felt badly because I’d told him inside the restaurant that there was no chance of me getting back together with Orlando, and I knew he thought that’s what I was doing.

“I see,” Adam said softly, turning around so his back was to me again. He didn’t say another word the rest of the ride.

“So what does this mean?” Lisa asked as the cab pulled out into traffic.

“It means we’re going to talk,” I said, but in the back of my mind I was asking myself the same question.

“Is that a good idea?” she said. “Are you prepared to go back to him? Because you know that’s what he’s going to ask you.”

“He might not,” I said, but I knew she was right. “It might be just a cup of coffee between two friends. I want to know if we’re ready for that, and there’s no better way to find out than to just do it.”

“You can’t be just his friend, Charlie,” Jeremy said quietly from Lisa’s other side.

“Why not?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“You still cry yourself to sleep over the man, you sleep with his sweater, you can’t stand seeing him with another woman,” he said, his tone gentle. “And the list goes on and on. How can you be friends with a man you’re so clearly in love with?”
I didn’t say anything, knowing he was right. It was all or nothing with Orlando, there could be no middle ground. My stomach started to churn as I thought of sitting across from him in a coffee shop, telling him that, telling him that if I couldn’t trust him enough to be with him romantically, I wanted nothing to do with him.