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I went back on stage Monday night, but my heart wasn’t in it. I did my best, and luckily no one knew anything was wrong. Nick joked about my ‘wild weekend’ exhausting me. He had no idea just how true that was.

About a week after I returned to Wicked, Cooper called. His show was only a month away, and we had details to work out.

“Hey, baby girl,” he said when I answered the phone. “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” I said, smiling at the sound of his voice. “How’ve you been.”

“Just peachy,” he said. “We need to get some things straightened out for the show. Did you get the music I sent you?”

“Yes,” I said, going into my room and grabbing the sheet music he’d sent. “I don’t see any problems with this stuff.”

“When are you coming home?”

“Uh, the eleventh,” I said. “Ramsey’s trial starts on the thirteenth.”

“Good, that gives us a week to do some rehearsals at the venue,” he said. I could almost see him figuring out dates and schedules. “Are you bringing Orlando home with you?”

My breath caught at just the sound of his name. Very few people knew that Orlando and I had broken up, and it hurt every time I had to tell someone new. “No, I’m not,” I said softly. “We, uh, we broke up.”

“What? Oh, honey, I’m so sorry,” he said. “Are you okay?”

“I will be,” I said, putting on my “everything’s-crap-but-I’m-still-fine” voice. “Minor set-back, no big deal.”

“When you get here, we’ll crack open a bottle of wine and you can tell me all about it,” he said. “Are you still going to be able to perform?”

“Cooper, it was a break-up, not a death,” I said, even thought it felt like someone had died. “I’m a pro, remember? Don’t worry.”

We chatted for a bit longer, about the songs mostly, and then hung up. Just as I was about to go to the theatre to use the piano to work on some of the songs, the phone rang again. I reached over and grabbed it.

“Hello?” I said, flipping through the music.

“Charlie?”

“Yes?” I didn’t recognize the male voice on the other end.

“It’s Johnny,” he said, and I felt a fresh wave of pain wash over me. He had to be calling about Orlando, there was no other reason.

“Oh, hi,” I said, not sure of what else to say. A month ago, the idea of Johnny Depp calling me would have made my face split with a grin, but now it just made my stomach sink with dread. “What’s up?”

“Are you ever going to call Orlando?” he said.

“Why would I?” I said, trying not to be snippy with him. It wasn’t his fault. “He made it very clear he doesn’t want to be with me.”

“He’s an idiot,” Johnny said, very serious. “He’s been a total wreck since you left, but he’s too stubborn to call you and tell you he messed up.”

“I’m sorry, Johnny, but I can’t call him,” I said, closing my eyes against the hope that was building in my chest. I pushed it away. “After what happened, I can’t be with him right now.”

“He knows it wasn’t the brightest thing he could have done,” he said. “And I’m sure you’re not exactly thrilled to be without him. Why can’t you just talk to him at least?”

“I can’t,” I said. “He hurt me, and I need to deal with that. I can’t afford to feel sorry for him right now. Tell him to call Kate if he needs some comfort.” It was low, I know, but I couldn’t help it.

“You know that’s not what he wants,” he said, his voice sad. “You won’t even consider talking to him?”

I sighed. “No, I won’t,” I said. “Thanks for calling, Johnny. Take care.” I put the phone down, even though he was still talking. I ignored the fact that I’d just hung up on Johnny Depp, and concentrated on what he’d been asking me. At least I wasn’t the only one who was miserable. Orlando was regretting his decision, and the mean part of me wanted him to wallow in that for awhile. I certainly wasn’t going to call him, to take the first step. He caused the problem, he could fix it. I had to get on with my life, and worrying about how he was doing certainly wouldn’t accomplish that.

I went to the theatre, as planned, and spent a few hours banging away on the piano, trying to vent some frustration. Cooper had chosen a wide variety of songs, some of which I hadn’t heard before. I went through them in the order he’d given me in the mock-up of the programme he’d included.

I had just finished a rather lackluster performance of “Take Me or Leave Me” from Rent, when Nick came into the green room and sat at the piano beside me.

“That was mediocre,” he teased, playfully elbowing me in the side. “What’s wrong with you, honey?”

I tried to smile. “I guess I’m just off today.” I shrugged.

“You’ve been ‘off’ a lot lately,” he said, his playful air vanishing. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, it’s okay,” I said, changing the sheet music to avoid looking at him. I was tired of people worrying about me, asking me what was wrong. I was having enough trouble keeping it together without the pitying looks I was getting from everyone. Even though I’d made Lisa promise not to say anything, I knew more people were aware of my situation than needed to be. It was as though they thought a part of me was missing. Begrudgingly, I had to admit they were right.

“Oh, by the way, we’ve re-cast Fiyero,” Nick said, thankfully changing the subject. “I think you’ll be pretty happy.”

I smiled. I knew he was looking, because Brian, Sean’s understudy, just wasn’t cutting it. He was fine as an understudy, but he just didn’t have what it took to do the part for any length of time.

“Who’d you get?”

His grin grew wider. “Adam Pascal,” he said, ready to burst with excitement. “What do you think of that?”

I couldn’t help but smile, what felt like my first genuine smile since I’d returned from St. Vincent’s. Adam Pascal was amazing, one of the best Broadway performers I’d ever seen. I’d been fortunate enough to see him as Radames in Aida a few years earlier. To be in a show with him was the ultimate honour for me.

“Who’d you have to sleep with to get him?” I said, grinning.

Nick chuckled. “Apparently he’s separating from his wife, and he wants a job here in New York for awhile,” he said. “I think Wicked is the only major show he hasn’t done yet.”

“When does he start?”

“He’s been working with the material for about a week now,” Nick said. “He figures a week or so with the cast should be enough. He said he’ll be ready.”

“Tomorrow’s a matinee, so do we start on Monday morning with him?” I was dreading having to not only perform at night, but rehearse the show during the day. As much as I loved my job, that would be totally exhausting.

“Actually, we’ve scheduled a rehearsal for tomorrow night,” Nick said, looking sheepish. “Honey, I know it’s a lot, but we need to get him ready, and we’re lucky he only needs two weeks, front to back.”

I sighed. “Great,” I said, rolling my eyes. “You’re not asking much of us, are you?”

“It’s all part of the business, baby,” he said, putting his arm around me. He hugged me briefly. “Just be a good girl and don’t ruffle his feathers, okay? I don’t need another scandal on my hands, like I had with Sean.” His grin told me he wasn’t serious.

“I’ll try,” I said. “To be honest, I’ll be too star-struck to do anything but my job.”

“Might get your mind off of other, less pleasant, things,” he said, leaning his head against mine. “Give you something else to focus on?”

“For now,” I said, my stomach clenching as I thought about Orlando for the millionth time that hour. “When do I get to meet him?”

“Now, if you want,” Nick said. “He’s in one of the practice rooms upstairs.”
“I’m going to meet him eventually,” I said, standing up and gathering my music together. “May as well be now.”

“Just don’t let him hear you butcher another song from Rent, okay?” Nick teased, handing me some papers. Adam was one of the original cast members of Rent and had been in the movie version that was released just before Christmas.

“I don’t normally butcher songs,” I said, shaking my head, more at my own horrible work than at his comment.

“You’ve got a lot on your mind,” he said, putting a comforting arm around me as he led me from the green room. “A fan-girl crush is just what you need.”

I smiled half-heartedly. “Oh yeah, totally,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Just don’t embarrass me, okay?”

“Me? Never,” he said, winking at me as we went upstairs.

He took me to the practice room at the end of the hall, and lightly knocked on the door, then escorted me in.

Adam was standing beside the piano, sheet music in his hand, while Barrie, our musical director, was sitting at the piano. They were working on “As Long As You’re Mine,” of all songs. I still had a hard time singing that song, with all of the memories it brought back, but I had to push through it. I mentally shook myself, and smiled at him.

“Adam, this is Charlie,” Nick said, when they were done the song. “She’s our Elphaba. Charlie, this is Adam Pascal.”

“Nice to meet you, Adam,” I said, shaking his hand. I smiled, and again, it was genuine. It felt good to smile when it wasn’t masking sadness. I felt excitement bubble up in me as he smiled back at me, a gorgeous smile that almost rivaled Orlando’s. Almost.

“Pleasure’s all mine,” he said, not releasing my hand. “You’re here just in time. Would you run this song with me? Barrie’s good, but singing with him is a bit of a stretch, you know?” He grinned.

I checked my watch. We still had a few hours before the show, so I nodded. “Sure,” I said. “Why not?”

I went over to stand beside him as Nick took a seat beside Barrie. The song began, and my stomach clenched. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get the words out when the time came, but he gave me another smile, and I found it was the easiest the song had been since the break-up. He was such a convincing performer, that Orlando didn’t even enter my thoughts once. It was a nice change from Brian every night, when I had to struggle to play the part.

When the song was over, Nick began clapping enthusiastically. “Amazing,” he said, standing up. “I knew you two would fit together well.”

“Our voices really compliment each other, don’t they?” Adam said, smiling at me again. I couldn’t help but smile back.

“They really do,” I said. “The harmony at the end of that song doesn’t sound right if the voices don’t mesh, so it’s good that we do.”

“Do you have time to work on some other stuff with me?” Adam asked, gesturing to the stack of music on the piano.

“Uh, I have to work on some of my own stuff,” I said hesitantly. “I’ve got another show coming up next month, and I have new material to learn.”

“What are you working on?” he asked, gesturing to the music in my hands.

“A little bit of everything,” I said, handing him the music. “My old voice coach is doing a show for the prospective investors of the music school he wants to open. He’s very into musical theatre, so most of the big shows are represented.”

“This is a lot of music,” he said, flipping through it. “Rent, huh?” he said, grinning at me. “One of my favourites.” He winked.

I blushed. “Mine too,” I said. “Cooper is obsessed with that music, so of course there are at least four songs in the show.”

“Did you want to work on these? I could partner you.” He chuckled. “It’s not like I don’t know the songs.”

A thrill rushed through me at the idea of performing the songs with one of the original voices. “Are you sure you don’t mind? I mean, you have a lot to learn here.”

“I think it’s time for a break from the Wicked stuff for now,” he said. He turned to Barrie. “Can you play these for us?”

Barrie nodded and Adam handed him the music. I watched as they talked about the songs, just taking in Adam. He was tall, but not quite as tall as Orlando, with curly dirty blonde hair, cut short, and he was wearing jeans and a maroon button-down shirt, open over a white t-shirt. I had to admit, he was sexy as hell. The fact that he was so gifted musically only made him more attractive.

I felt a jolt shoot through my stomach as I thought about him that way, and it felt like guilt. I knew it was way too soon to think about anyone else, but hey, I’m only human, and the man was gorgeous. I shook it off and tried to concentrate on what he was saying to me.

“Is there any particular song you want to work on?” he was saying, looking at me intently. He was very professional.

“Uh, isn’t ‘Without You’ a duet?” I said, suddenly feeling shy under his gaze. Of all the songs in Rent, or in any of the other shows, it was the one I felt I could get into the most. It wasn’t difficult, but it had a beautiful harmony at the end.

“Yes, it is,” he said as Barrie sorted through the music to find the song.

“I know the male part isn’t very big, but could we go through it?”

“Of course,” he said. “There’s notes here, too. Do you want to work with those?”

Cooper, being as diligent as he is, had included a full blocking sheet with each song, so that I would know what I was doing when I got there. I had to smile. “If you don’t mind, that’d be great.”

“Not a problem,” he said, coming around the piano into the center of the room, the blocking sheet in his hand. “Okay, this is what it says,” he said. He proceeded to read the blocking through to me as I went over it in my mind. When he was done, he looked up at me. “Sound good?”

I nodded. “Let’s try it,” I said, going to the center of the room while he went back over to the piano. Barrie began to play, and I let the music flow through me, allowing myself to get into the hurt I’d been feeling. “Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows,” I sang, fighting to keep the tears at bay. The song said everything I was feeling about Orlando, and more. “Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play. The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you. The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you..” I began to move across the floor, not even paying attention to the mirrors on the wall in front of me. Instinctively, my hands came up to rub my arms gently, as I let myself fall deeper and deeper into the song. “Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves. Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.” The room disappeared as the full effect of the music and words washed over me, and I was able to let out all of the raw hurt and sadness I’d been keeping inside of me. In my mind’s eye I saw Orlando’s face, the tears that rolled down his cheeks that last night, the sound of his voice as he told me it was over. I felt the tears well in my eyes, but my voice never wavered. “The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you. The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.”

I was so lost in the song that I didn’t realize the duet part was coming up, and I jumped when Adam wrapped his arms around me from behind, as Cooper’s instructions had said, and sang, “The world revives,” to which I answered, “Colours renew,” and we sang together, in perfect harmony, “But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me, blue.” I turned in his arms, relishing the feeling of being held, and looked into his eyes. “Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats,” I sang, happy to get lost in his eyes, to let someone else carry the weight of my pain.

His eyes burned into mine as he continued, in the most sorrowful voice I’d heard in a long time, “Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe. The mind churns…”

I was right there with him, “The mind churns…”

“The heart yearns…”

“The heart yearns…”

I sank into him as his hands gripped my back, and we maintained our harmony together, “The tears dry, without you. Life goes on, but I’m gone. ‘Cause I die, without you,” truly the most poignant words of the entire song. I felt the first tears slide down my cheek as the song ended, and I had to fight not to sag in his arms.

To my surprise, rather than step away immediately, Adam pulled me closer to him and just held me. The feel of his arms around me, without the music now, was my undoing, and I broke down, for the first time since I’d come home. I let the sadness overwhelm me, and he was right there, this man I’d only just met, to lightly stroke my back and hold me tightly to him. I didn’t care if it was a Broadway legend I was crying on, I couldn’t stop the torrent of tears that soaked his shoulder. I forgot Barrie and Nick were still in the room, and just let the pain wash over me.

A short time later, when I felt I had no tears left, I pulled back. I couldn’t meet Adam’s eyes, I was too embarrassed. He was a complete stranger to me, and I’d unloaded a huge emotional burden on his shoulder. Of course, he hadn’t pushed me away, but it still shouldn’t have happened.

“I’m sorry,” I said, sniffing slightly as I wiped my eyes with my hands. “I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

He tilted my chin up so I was looking at him. “It’s okay,” he said softly. “You were obviously hurting and needed a shoulder to cry on. Mine’s as good as any.”

“But I hardly know you,” I said, turning my head away and rushing over to the piano so that I wasn’t standing so close to him. I felt like an idiot for what had just happened, and I didn’t want to be there anymore. “I think I’m done for today.” I looked at Nick. “I’ll be back tonight for the show.” I grabbed my music and hurried out of the room, not looking back at Adam again.

I was just sprinting through the lobby when I heard Nick call my name. I stopped reluctantly and turned around.

“Honey, are you okay?” he said, coming up to me and hugging me tightly.

“Yeah, I’m more embarrassed than anything,” I said against his shoulder. “Tell Adam I’m sorry, okay? I really need to get home.”

“Charlotte, it’s okay to be upset,” he said, a soothing expression on his face. “You’ve lost someone very dear to you, and that takes time to get over. I’m sure Adam understands that, what with his marriage ending and all.”

“I never thought of it like that,” I said.

“He was hurting every bit as much as you were,” Nick pointed out. “He teared up while you were crying. The song was a release for him, too.” He smiled gently. “It might be good to talk to someone who’s going through the same thing you are.”

I shook my head. “I can’t just talk to some strange guy about my break-up, and I’m sure he feels the same way. Nick, I appreciate you wanting to help me, but I have to deal with this on my own.”

“That’s what you’re not getting here,” he said. “You don’t have to do this alone. We all love you and want to help you through this. Adam’s part of the family now, right? Let’s start treating him that way.”

“Well, I think he’s just been christened,” I said, trying to make light of what had just happened. “Look, I don’t want to be a bitch about this, but I need to go. I’ll be back later for the show.” I turned and walked quickly out of the theatre.